I feel like I just had an ephipany. One that has been stewing for a while but I really didn't make the connection until just now.
I'm an intense person. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally. It seems to me like I naturally exaggerate things without trying to. I can been fiercely passionate, and when I am really into something or someone, wild horses can't drag me away.
Getting into color and color pallettes helped me realize this. I haven't been draped, but I'm 98% sure that I'm Dark Winter, like I said previously. I have a lot of red tones and my features are very dark and pigmented. My lips are insanely pigmented, even more so when I was long, in pictures they look cherry red. My skin can get ghostly pale and my hair is almost black. My eyes are pretty complex, you could say they are or brown or maybe hazel, but they have rich olive green ring with a golden orange-brown sunburst. As a result they colors the look best on me are pretty dramatic. Depth is a necessity, a certain level of saturation is optium, and I vastly prefer cool color to warm. This pallette can look really intimidating, like Dracula.
I have heard conflicting reports on how common this type is. It's probably typical for "people of color" (Africans, Arabs, Indians, Asians, etc) but on caucasians...maybe not so much. White people have a broad range, in fact, and despite brown/dark hair being a dominant trait in all humans, such a contract is less common. Growing up in a racially homogenous neighborhood, I have seen the norm: Usually dishwater brown/blondish hair, hazy light eyes of an indeterminate color. I'm generalizing, of course. It sure seems like Soft Summer and Soft Autumn dominate the European population. They are lovely, floaty, romantic colors, but it sure isn't me. There is a quiet gentleness, a sort of reserved quality I feel from them, and I think that describes caucasian ideals in personality as well. Again, super generalizations here. Only my take on things. In that sense, I stick out like a sore thumb. People like me are too intense, too crazy to mesh all too well. It's nothing I've done wrong, thats just...how it is. Even though its not a race issue for me personally (although I might look just the tiniest bit more ethnic than the norm there) color makes a difference. This is why I have been fixated lately, its so much more than buying clothes that make you look good. Its less about fashion and style, more about identity and feelings of belonging, and acceptance. Deep stuff that has been vexing me for a long long time.
I've always felt like I never belonged. Anywhere. Certainly not in my own family, which is ironic because I'm like my father's female clone in so many ways. However the ways he and I are different are soooo different. He's not artistic at all, and I don't think he's all that social either. Plus, I think he had/has issues from his childhood that causes him to isolate himself. He and I can get along, but I wouldn't say we are all that close, really. It just is what it is, there is no need to get upset, although, like I said before, I'm so emotionally intense even typing that brought a lump in my throat.
I wonder if its the Greek blood I have. The actual percentage is very small, but I feel like it dominates. The sort of passion and empathy absent from northern Europe cultures. I don't feel particulary English, although I do love England and UK. Especially the music. My upper lip is anything but stiff. I can be droll and witty (or so I think) but if I were to go there I suspect I'd still stick out. French is better. What artistically inclined person doesn't love France? I'm not cool enough to be French. I mean cool as in disconnected, untouchable. As a dark winter I do have some Autumn warmth. In fact, I feel like I have too much warmth at times and I require coolness - I mean both in a color/physical sense as well as a personality/philosphical sense. I get so boiled up sometimes I need something to chill me out or I'll overheat and explode.
What about going the other way, the coolness? I'm naturally inclined to it. I think its my brain trying to compensate. I even used to be obsessed with the color blue when I was young. These days I'm more about violet/purple, or even pink. Black is my true love though. I feel like my ideal would be sort of an ultra-sophisticate. Lots of black, belted in, crisp, efficient. I don't think I'm capable of achieving that, I'll always have that bit of heat that will prevent me from ever absorbing into that. I will always have that emotional quality that will stop me from being too cold and distant. I sure can fake it though. I've briefly entertained the idea that I might be True Winter because I can't stand warm colors (to wear, anyways) and that I'm just too hot on my own. Blue-tones give me relief, help me disconnect, not get so emotionally invested. Hopefully its clear I'm speaking both figuratively and metaphorically.
Let's compare that to the soft seasons, like I mentioned earlier. There is none of that drama. Things never get that. There's breathing rooms, there's a sense of natural, easy-going control. Easy, breezy, beautiful. Floral sundresses and honey blond highlights. Effortless. I realize its easy to perceive things in a lot more positive way when its not inside of you. I know everyone struggles, has their own battles, but I have always wondered why it feels like I seems to struggle more than most. The answer is so simple, and has been under my nose all this time: Thats just the way it is. Thats how I was born.
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