Oh L'amour.

I have a passion for passion, it seems. I'm in love with that spark, that little burst of emotions you feel when you're into something you really like. That is the drug I seek. To allow myself to get swept up in the sweetest,  most delicious psychosis ever possible. The possibilities! The potential! The pure unfiltered marcotic joy of something new and amazing.

Nothing sets it off for me like people do. I don't just mean romantic/sexual intrests either, it can be totally platonic. I just want to drink them in, saturate my senses with whatever energy they will allow me.  With guys I like, I become particularily demented. I've had to work real hard over the year to build up enough of facade so that I don't collaspe into a quivering mound of jello.

Love is the Answer.

 I really feel like I'm getting some answers. Finally. I really don't know whats taking me so long, but slowly, little by little, I'm starting to make sense of life. Well, as much sense as someone like me can handle. I feel like learning about yourself, your history, your world really makes things a bit easier when trying to connect to outside world. I do think its normal and even healthy to be just a little self-centered, as long as it doesn't get ridiculous. That's something I've always feared, though fear hasn't exactly stopped from going that route ^^'. The bottom line is that I do care for the world, I do care for people and living things, and Life in general - very much in fact. So much that it hurts me so when someone gets nasty or hurts my feelings (often unintentionally). I think that's the crux of the issue. I have so much Love, I want to give and give and shower all of life with the retarded affection that only I can give. I want Happiness and Light to touch everything, engulf everyone so deeply and intensely that their bad habits and nasty tendencies just melt away like butter.

 It's not realistic, and I no longer have such a surplus of youth that I can brandish such naiviety. The truth is despair and destruction are necessary. Strife must exist to acheive anything worthwhile, and the darkness is just vital as the sun. All that Zen crap. I feel like the Eastern religions hit the mark so much closer than the Abrahamic ones. The shamanistic ones too. I have no intention of turning this into a spirtual or religious blog, but its something to think about. I have no idea what I am, and ultimately, I don't think it matters. I think thats the point a lot of people seem to miss. It just is what it is. You can believe whatever you want, have a never ending fountain of faith, it doesn't matter. Nothing you can feel or know can begin to scratch the surface, because its so much bigger than us, collectively and individually. It might seem bleak, most people would find it bummer to know just how small we really are in the grand scheme of things, but, I take comfort in it. I don't want to be the master, I don't want to be the god, I want to watch the show. I want to be part of the team. I want people to know we're all in this together.

 It makes me sad that people are often suspicious of  good intentions, although I can hardly blame them. Humans are such a mixed lot, when we are good, we can be awesome, when we are awful we are the worst. I feel like a lot of people just end up broken and incapable of appreciating the good things in life. I firmly believe that inspite of everything, I'm meant to be a happy person. I'm here to bring joy and laughter and feelings of inclusive warmth. Now, how I express these things, well, it gets a little more complicated than that. But thats for another blog post. :)