I have a passion for passion, it seems. I'm in love with that spark, that little burst of emotions you feel when you're into something you really like. That is the drug I seek. To allow myself to get swept up in the sweetest, most delicious psychosis ever possible. The possibilities! The potential! The pure unfiltered marcotic joy of something new and amazing.
Nothing sets it off for me like people do. I don't just mean romantic/sexual intrests either, it can be totally platonic. I just want to drink them in, saturate my senses with whatever energy they will allow me. With guys I like, I become particularily demented. I've had to work real hard over the year to build up enough of facade so that I don't collaspe into a quivering mound of jello.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Love is the Answer.
I really feel like I'm getting some answers. Finally. I really don't know whats taking me so long, but slowly, little by little, I'm starting to make sense of life. Well, as much sense as someone like me can handle. I feel like learning about yourself, your history, your world really makes things a bit easier when trying to connect to outside world. I do think its normal and even healthy to be just a little self-centered, as long as it doesn't get ridiculous. That's something I've always feared, though fear hasn't exactly stopped from going that route ^^'. The bottom line is that I do care for the world, I do care for people and living things, and Life in general - very much in fact. So much that it hurts me so when someone gets nasty or hurts my feelings (often unintentionally). I think that's the crux of the issue. I have so much Love, I want to give and give and shower all of life with the retarded affection that only I can give. I want Happiness and Light to touch everything, engulf everyone so deeply and intensely that their bad habits and nasty tendencies just melt away like butter.
It's not realistic, and I no longer have such a surplus of youth that I can brandish such naiviety. The truth is despair and destruction are necessary. Strife must exist to acheive anything worthwhile, and the darkness is just vital as the sun. All that Zen crap. I feel like the Eastern religions hit the mark so much closer than the Abrahamic ones. The shamanistic ones too. I have no intention of turning this into a spirtual or religious blog, but its something to think about. I have no idea what I am, and ultimately, I don't think it matters. I think thats the point a lot of people seem to miss. It just is what it is. You can believe whatever you want, have a never ending fountain of faith, it doesn't matter. Nothing you can feel or know can begin to scratch the surface, because its so much bigger than us, collectively and individually. It might seem bleak, most people would find it bummer to know just how small we really are in the grand scheme of things, but, I take comfort in it. I don't want to be the master, I don't want to be the god, I want to watch the show. I want to be part of the team. I want people to know we're all in this together.
It makes me sad that people are often suspicious of good intentions, although I can hardly blame them. Humans are such a mixed lot, when we are good, we can be awesome, when we are awful we are the worst. I feel like a lot of people just end up broken and incapable of appreciating the good things in life. I firmly believe that inspite of everything, I'm meant to be a happy person. I'm here to bring joy and laughter and feelings of inclusive warmth. Now, how I express these things, well, it gets a little more complicated than that. But thats for another blog post. :)
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Baby, I was born this way.
I feel like I just had an ephipany. One that has been stewing for a while but I really didn't make the connection until just now.
I'm an intense person. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally. It seems to me like I naturally exaggerate things without trying to. I can been fiercely passionate, and when I am really into something or someone, wild horses can't drag me away.
Getting into color and color pallettes helped me realize this. I haven't been draped, but I'm 98% sure that I'm Dark Winter, like I said previously. I have a lot of red tones and my features are very dark and pigmented. My lips are insanely pigmented, even more so when I was long, in pictures they look cherry red. My skin can get ghostly pale and my hair is almost black. My eyes are pretty complex, you could say they are or brown or maybe hazel, but they have rich olive green ring with a golden orange-brown sunburst. As a result they colors the look best on me are pretty dramatic. Depth is a necessity, a certain level of saturation is optium, and I vastly prefer cool color to warm. This pallette can look really intimidating, like Dracula.
I have heard conflicting reports on how common this type is. It's probably typical for "people of color" (Africans, Arabs, Indians, Asians, etc) but on caucasians...maybe not so much. White people have a broad range, in fact, and despite brown/dark hair being a dominant trait in all humans, such a contract is less common. Growing up in a racially homogenous neighborhood, I have seen the norm: Usually dishwater brown/blondish hair, hazy light eyes of an indeterminate color. I'm generalizing, of course. It sure seems like Soft Summer and Soft Autumn dominate the European population. They are lovely, floaty, romantic colors, but it sure isn't me. There is a quiet gentleness, a sort of reserved quality I feel from them, and I think that describes caucasian ideals in personality as well. Again, super generalizations here. Only my take on things. In that sense, I stick out like a sore thumb. People like me are too intense, too crazy to mesh all too well. It's nothing I've done wrong, thats just...how it is. Even though its not a race issue for me personally (although I might look just the tiniest bit more ethnic than the norm there) color makes a difference. This is why I have been fixated lately, its so much more than buying clothes that make you look good. Its less about fashion and style, more about identity and feelings of belonging, and acceptance. Deep stuff that has been vexing me for a long long time.
I've always felt like I never belonged. Anywhere. Certainly not in my own family, which is ironic because I'm like my father's female clone in so many ways. However the ways he and I are different are soooo different. He's not artistic at all, and I don't think he's all that social either. Plus, I think he had/has issues from his childhood that causes him to isolate himself. He and I can get along, but I wouldn't say we are all that close, really. It just is what it is, there is no need to get upset, although, like I said before, I'm so emotionally intense even typing that brought a lump in my throat.
I wonder if its the Greek blood I have. The actual percentage is very small, but I feel like it dominates. The sort of passion and empathy absent from northern Europe cultures. I don't feel particulary English, although I do love England and UK. Especially the music. My upper lip is anything but stiff. I can be droll and witty (or so I think) but if I were to go there I suspect I'd still stick out. French is better. What artistically inclined person doesn't love France? I'm not cool enough to be French. I mean cool as in disconnected, untouchable. As a dark winter I do have some Autumn warmth. In fact, I feel like I have too much warmth at times and I require coolness - I mean both in a color/physical sense as well as a personality/philosphical sense. I get so boiled up sometimes I need something to chill me out or I'll overheat and explode.
What about going the other way, the coolness? I'm naturally inclined to it. I think its my brain trying to compensate. I even used to be obsessed with the color blue when I was young. These days I'm more about violet/purple, or even pink. Black is my true love though. I feel like my ideal would be sort of an ultra-sophisticate. Lots of black, belted in, crisp, efficient. I don't think I'm capable of achieving that, I'll always have that bit of heat that will prevent me from ever absorbing into that. I will always have that emotional quality that will stop me from being too cold and distant. I sure can fake it though. I've briefly entertained the idea that I might be True Winter because I can't stand warm colors (to wear, anyways) and that I'm just too hot on my own. Blue-tones give me relief, help me disconnect, not get so emotionally invested. Hopefully its clear I'm speaking both figuratively and metaphorically.
Let's compare that to the soft seasons, like I mentioned earlier. There is none of that drama. Things never get that. There's breathing rooms, there's a sense of natural, easy-going control. Easy, breezy, beautiful. Floral sundresses and honey blond highlights. Effortless. I realize its easy to perceive things in a lot more positive way when its not inside of you. I know everyone struggles, has their own battles, but I have always wondered why it feels like I seems to struggle more than most. The answer is so simple, and has been under my nose all this time: Thats just the way it is. Thats how I was born.
I'm an intense person. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally. It seems to me like I naturally exaggerate things without trying to. I can been fiercely passionate, and when I am really into something or someone, wild horses can't drag me away.
Getting into color and color pallettes helped me realize this. I haven't been draped, but I'm 98% sure that I'm Dark Winter, like I said previously. I have a lot of red tones and my features are very dark and pigmented. My lips are insanely pigmented, even more so when I was long, in pictures they look cherry red. My skin can get ghostly pale and my hair is almost black. My eyes are pretty complex, you could say they are or brown or maybe hazel, but they have rich olive green ring with a golden orange-brown sunburst. As a result they colors the look best on me are pretty dramatic. Depth is a necessity, a certain level of saturation is optium, and I vastly prefer cool color to warm. This pallette can look really intimidating, like Dracula.
I have heard conflicting reports on how common this type is. It's probably typical for "people of color" (Africans, Arabs, Indians, Asians, etc) but on caucasians...maybe not so much. White people have a broad range, in fact, and despite brown/dark hair being a dominant trait in all humans, such a contract is less common. Growing up in a racially homogenous neighborhood, I have seen the norm: Usually dishwater brown/blondish hair, hazy light eyes of an indeterminate color. I'm generalizing, of course. It sure seems like Soft Summer and Soft Autumn dominate the European population. They are lovely, floaty, romantic colors, but it sure isn't me. There is a quiet gentleness, a sort of reserved quality I feel from them, and I think that describes caucasian ideals in personality as well. Again, super generalizations here. Only my take on things. In that sense, I stick out like a sore thumb. People like me are too intense, too crazy to mesh all too well. It's nothing I've done wrong, thats just...how it is. Even though its not a race issue for me personally (although I might look just the tiniest bit more ethnic than the norm there) color makes a difference. This is why I have been fixated lately, its so much more than buying clothes that make you look good. Its less about fashion and style, more about identity and feelings of belonging, and acceptance. Deep stuff that has been vexing me for a long long time.
I've always felt like I never belonged. Anywhere. Certainly not in my own family, which is ironic because I'm like my father's female clone in so many ways. However the ways he and I are different are soooo different. He's not artistic at all, and I don't think he's all that social either. Plus, I think he had/has issues from his childhood that causes him to isolate himself. He and I can get along, but I wouldn't say we are all that close, really. It just is what it is, there is no need to get upset, although, like I said before, I'm so emotionally intense even typing that brought a lump in my throat.
I wonder if its the Greek blood I have. The actual percentage is very small, but I feel like it dominates. The sort of passion and empathy absent from northern Europe cultures. I don't feel particulary English, although I do love England and UK. Especially the music. My upper lip is anything but stiff. I can be droll and witty (or so I think) but if I were to go there I suspect I'd still stick out. French is better. What artistically inclined person doesn't love France? I'm not cool enough to be French. I mean cool as in disconnected, untouchable. As a dark winter I do have some Autumn warmth. In fact, I feel like I have too much warmth at times and I require coolness - I mean both in a color/physical sense as well as a personality/philosphical sense. I get so boiled up sometimes I need something to chill me out or I'll overheat and explode.
What about going the other way, the coolness? I'm naturally inclined to it. I think its my brain trying to compensate. I even used to be obsessed with the color blue when I was young. These days I'm more about violet/purple, or even pink. Black is my true love though. I feel like my ideal would be sort of an ultra-sophisticate. Lots of black, belted in, crisp, efficient. I don't think I'm capable of achieving that, I'll always have that bit of heat that will prevent me from ever absorbing into that. I will always have that emotional quality that will stop me from being too cold and distant. I sure can fake it though. I've briefly entertained the idea that I might be True Winter because I can't stand warm colors (to wear, anyways) and that I'm just too hot on my own. Blue-tones give me relief, help me disconnect, not get so emotionally invested. Hopefully its clear I'm speaking both figuratively and metaphorically.
Let's compare that to the soft seasons, like I mentioned earlier. There is none of that drama. Things never get that. There's breathing rooms, there's a sense of natural, easy-going control. Easy, breezy, beautiful. Floral sundresses and honey blond highlights. Effortless. I realize its easy to perceive things in a lot more positive way when its not inside of you. I know everyone struggles, has their own battles, but I have always wondered why it feels like I seems to struggle more than most. The answer is so simple, and has been under my nose all this time: Thats just the way it is. Thats how I was born.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Party like it's 2001.
Oh hello there blogger, how are you? I'm...ok. I seem to only remember you when I get a little extra free time. I'm off work again, except I...didn't plan it that. Yes, yes. I'm a bad person, I know. I agonized over it earlier, but its too late now. This is how things went down at AT&T, racking up attendance points either from running late or just simply not being in the right mental state to handle it. It makes me look irresponsible, and lazy, but the truth is that I don't mind working, not really. I feel better having something to do, something that will improve people's lives. I really struggle with the whole customer service - but I don't want to make this blog all about that, if I can help it. I know there's a way out, its just really exhausting and full of struggle. Oh, I like money too, but thats kind of what got me in this spot to begin with.
So what is going on? Nothing, really. I'm not sure things can seem really surreal and weird while remaining monotonous and fairly boring, but somehow I manage to do it. I saw a doctor not too long ago. I don't even remember my last proper visit, I think it was when I worked at Edgepark, which was a minimum of 4.5 years ago, which just sounds ridiculous to me. I was really nervous, but when I had a blood test, its looked pretty good. Low cholesterol, no thyroid problems, sugar was normal - which I was most worried about, tbh. I weigh a whopping 350. I can't really remember the last time I got weighed, I thought I was closer to 340, but thats splitting hairs. That's like being $10,000 in debt and debating charging another grand, really. We discussed the surgery, the next step is talking to the surgery, which whom making an appointment with has as of now not been easy. Again, I worry because I wonder if I'll end up losing this job before it becomes a reality. There's a definite chance of that if I can't man up and get on the game. Argh. I fucking hate it though. Those people suck, just about all of 'em....
...aaaaand we're back. Ahem. I'm trying to thing of positive things to put here. Oh yeah, I mentioned to the doc that I think I have PMDD and I got me a rx for good ol'Prozac. Yes. Last time I took that was 14 or 15, so it will be interesting to see how it pans out. I really want some relief. It took me a really long time to equate my period with the depression cycle, I though I was just cuckoo, but then again with the abnormal cycle, its not exactly easy. I got put back on Metformin too, for the PCOS. Its all retro meds in here. I'm optimistic. I hope that one or both will help get me back on track, though to be honest I wonder if the track is actually there or just buried under all kinds of mental debris. It might be a myth, but damnitt, we're going to try. Thats the theme of right now - Trying again. It's easy to get discouraged and give up, especially when it seems like there are so many BIG problems essentially tag-teaming you in the ring. It's so easy to stay down, to play dead...
Oh, and I might have some guy action going on. I know weird, right? The funniest thing is that I don't even care. I mean that in a postive way too. If people like me, awesome, but I'm in a place right now where I have to focus on myself, even more than ever. I can't worry about getting people (men) to like me, to busy myself with reeling the crazy in. It's all hanging out. I don't care who sees it. If people don't like what they see, it's not my problem, see ya!
So what is going on? Nothing, really. I'm not sure things can seem really surreal and weird while remaining monotonous and fairly boring, but somehow I manage to do it. I saw a doctor not too long ago. I don't even remember my last proper visit, I think it was when I worked at Edgepark, which was a minimum of 4.5 years ago, which just sounds ridiculous to me. I was really nervous, but when I had a blood test, its looked pretty good. Low cholesterol, no thyroid problems, sugar was normal - which I was most worried about, tbh. I weigh a whopping 350. I can't really remember the last time I got weighed, I thought I was closer to 340, but thats splitting hairs. That's like being $10,000 in debt and debating charging another grand, really. We discussed the surgery, the next step is talking to the surgery, which whom making an appointment with has as of now not been easy. Again, I worry because I wonder if I'll end up losing this job before it becomes a reality. There's a definite chance of that if I can't man up and get on the game. Argh. I fucking hate it though. Those people suck, just about all of 'em....
...aaaaand we're back. Ahem. I'm trying to thing of positive things to put here. Oh yeah, I mentioned to the doc that I think I have PMDD and I got me a rx for good ol'Prozac. Yes. Last time I took that was 14 or 15, so it will be interesting to see how it pans out. I really want some relief. It took me a really long time to equate my period with the depression cycle, I though I was just cuckoo, but then again with the abnormal cycle, its not exactly easy. I got put back on Metformin too, for the PCOS. Its all retro meds in here. I'm optimistic. I hope that one or both will help get me back on track, though to be honest I wonder if the track is actually there or just buried under all kinds of mental debris. It might be a myth, but damnitt, we're going to try. Thats the theme of right now - Trying again. It's easy to get discouraged and give up, especially when it seems like there are so many BIG problems essentially tag-teaming you in the ring. It's so easy to stay down, to play dead...
Oh, and I might have some guy action going on. I know weird, right? The funniest thing is that I don't even care. I mean that in a postive way too. If people like me, awesome, but I'm in a place right now where I have to focus on myself, even more than ever. I can't worry about getting people (men) to like me, to busy myself with reeling the crazy in. It's all hanging out. I don't care who sees it. If people don't like what they see, it's not my problem, see ya!
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Into the trees...
Today I have taken a vacation day from work for no real reason other than to clear my head. I had no other real goals except for minor things like "pay bills" or "take garbarge out". It's nice. I feel really overwhelmed at times because I just feel like there's so much to do, so many things to focus on. A lot of them are common sense things, others...not. When I do have the ability to step back and assess the situation, I'm struck at how many I feel obligated to do, at how much I want to get out of life, like I need all the experiences, like I need to get the most out of my time on this planet. How ironic that when its all staring me in the face I freeze up and can't force myself to do anything. Perhaps a reevaluation is needed?
Within the last year or so I really got into "Sci-Art" and to a lesser extent "Kibbe", and its been on the backburner of my brain. I feel like I've been a little lost, just kind of hopping around and not really finding a lot of direction, so when I re-discovered it (Color Me Beautiful, anyone?) I didn't as so much jump on it as I flinged myself over as hard as I could. What can I say, some people turn to religion, other load up on academia, or use alcohol or other substance to wash it all away. I guess my route is a little more earthy. After all, my drugs of choice are sugar and fat. I think I'm a "Winter Romantic". Isn't that great? Specifically I'm thinking either cooler Dark Winter or a more neutral True Winter. It's weird because I never thought of myself as such. I thought I'd be more of an Autumn because of the red tones in my hair, the orange in my eyes and the yellow of my skin. And browness. Brown all over, especially in the summer when I tan without trying. Thats all fine and good, except for the fact that I hate wearing those colors, especially brown! Turns out they make warm-toned me even warmer to the point of jaundiceness, and I need the coolness and structure of winter to get me anywhere, lookswise. Sounds a little harsh, but its true. I used to wear a golden lipgloss (MAC Nymphette, I'm looking at you) and I thought it was great, but in retrospect it was all wrong for me. How does this even happen?
I guess, the old adage about forests and trees would apply here. Also, a personal lesson not to make someone elses opinion more worthwhile than my own, especially when it concerns my own general life. Oh, if only make-up shades where the only issue that mattered! I'd be set, alright. Alas, it's not that easy, but it is useful. "As above, is below" to quote my old Alchemy books. Perhaps by getting schooled in matters of the physical, superficial world I can gain insight to more esoteric matters. Maybe I can make some sense out of what I am, what has happened, and what can be done.
I always worry about being too self-centered. I feel like I can just ramble on forever about me me me, but all I want to be best the best I can be, so I can do the things I'm supposed to do. So I can be the person I'm meant to be, and play the part that is somehow written for me. Like "Raison d'etre" or "Ikiagi". The French and the Japanese know whats up.
Here ends the first post of this blog. Welcome, and Tally-ho!
Within the last year or so I really got into "Sci-Art" and to a lesser extent "Kibbe", and its been on the backburner of my brain. I feel like I've been a little lost, just kind of hopping around and not really finding a lot of direction, so when I re-discovered it (Color Me Beautiful, anyone?) I didn't as so much jump on it as I flinged myself over as hard as I could. What can I say, some people turn to religion, other load up on academia, or use alcohol or other substance to wash it all away. I guess my route is a little more earthy. After all, my drugs of choice are sugar and fat. I think I'm a "Winter Romantic". Isn't that great? Specifically I'm thinking either cooler Dark Winter or a more neutral True Winter. It's weird because I never thought of myself as such. I thought I'd be more of an Autumn because of the red tones in my hair, the orange in my eyes and the yellow of my skin. And browness. Brown all over, especially in the summer when I tan without trying. Thats all fine and good, except for the fact that I hate wearing those colors, especially brown! Turns out they make warm-toned me even warmer to the point of jaundiceness, and I need the coolness and structure of winter to get me anywhere, lookswise. Sounds a little harsh, but its true. I used to wear a golden lipgloss (MAC Nymphette, I'm looking at you) and I thought it was great, but in retrospect it was all wrong for me. How does this even happen?
I guess, the old adage about forests and trees would apply here. Also, a personal lesson not to make someone elses opinion more worthwhile than my own, especially when it concerns my own general life. Oh, if only make-up shades where the only issue that mattered! I'd be set, alright. Alas, it's not that easy, but it is useful. "As above, is below" to quote my old Alchemy books. Perhaps by getting schooled in matters of the physical, superficial world I can gain insight to more esoteric matters. Maybe I can make some sense out of what I am, what has happened, and what can be done.
I always worry about being too self-centered. I feel like I can just ramble on forever about me me me, but all I want to be best the best I can be, so I can do the things I'm supposed to do. So I can be the person I'm meant to be, and play the part that is somehow written for me. Like "Raison d'etre" or "Ikiagi". The French and the Japanese know whats up.
Here ends the first post of this blog. Welcome, and Tally-ho!
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